The horror! Totally understandable

I read about this in a news article last week. The new target of thieves in England: Chocolate. Yes, really.

Retailers are putting chocolate bars in those clear anti-theft plastic boxes that have to be removed at checkout. Apparently, the thefts are specific to select brands and types of chocolate. The article showed a Cadbury milk chocolate Oreo bar encased in its plastic box. One ambitious thief tried to steal an entire shelving unit of chocolate by dragging it out to the street. That doesn’t seem well thought out.

A friend of mine was curious why they’d go to these lengths for chocolate. I explained that chocolate in Europe is ridiculously gastronomically superior to America’s. He said he’d heard that but still couldn’t imagine it. I told him to think of the comparison in furry terms. Like petting a chinchilla vs. a buffalo. Seriously good stuff. There is a milk chocolate made in Switzerland that is ambrosia. Nothing compares. For fashionistas, it’s Versace vs JC Penney’s.

It does make one wonder what they are getting out of it, though. The chocolate is being sold on the black market. So, how much are they fencing the goodies for that makes the risk of arrest and jail worth it? Of course, that’s not a realistic mindset for thieves. They’re never going to be caught, right?

It brings to mind a craze in the late 80s that forced automakers to redesign their hood emblems. Remember when those used to stand proudly upright on the very front of the hood?  Kids were breaking them off, stealing them and wearing them as necklaces. It started with Volkswagen emblems and was linked to a song by the Beasty Boys. The fad expanded to higher end cars like Mercedes, BMW and Audi. Now automaker emblems are flat or flush on the grille or vertical front of the hood. Some have simply been eliminated.

I recently found out I have a genetic proclivity toward nicotine addiction. I told my doctor that I smoked socially when I was younger but never felt compelled to keep smoking. “Now chocolate,” I said, “that’s another story.” He found that interesting as chocolate hits the same receptors as nicotine. He agreed that I absolutely could be addicted to chocolate. Ya think?

Even then, why would one go to the trouble and expense of purchasing chocolate from the black market versus just going to the store and getting a bar or two at retail prices. I’m picturing shady characters in dark alleys flashing their coat lining with Cadbury and Dove bars fastened to it. Probably half melted and smelling of body odor. Eww.

What I suspect is driving this illicit market is the result of severe weather that swept Africa in 2024, sending cocoa prices to hit unprecedented levels, over $10,000 per ton. In response, candy manufacturers are raising prices and shrinking product sizes.

Maybe I need to order a couple cases of Heath bars and Cadbury eggs and stash them. Oh, and the big canisters of M&Ms. Plain. All you fellow chocolate addicts, consider this fair warning.